So, we are in the new year. A time when we make resolutions to be better people, but usually break them sometime around Valentine's Day, when we don't have a date and there is tons of assorted chocolates on sale at every turn.
Here in Israel, I didn't really get to celebrate the holidays. I am not a very good Jew by religious standards, so Hanukkah didn't really touch my soul (I still have to spell check that word- Hanukkah). And one of the teacher's at my school told a class of 13 year olds that all the commercialism of Christmas in America is just another way for the Christians to keep the Jews down (I didn't realize that all those Jew doctors, professors, and movie producers were down, but whatever). She also told them that the Christian's one true desire is to make sure that they keep the Jews separate; so one time she saw a beautiful green and blue table clothe but didn't buy it because Green and Blue are two Christmas colors....she showed them. The whole thing was really awkward for me because I was supposed to be teaching the class, and she just chimed in whenever she wanted to talk about table clothes. It got weird.
Regardless, it was also strange to celebrate New Years. It was strange in the staying-at-your-boyfriend's-house-with-his-2-former-Soviet-Union-grandmothers-who-hate-me-and-still-think-they-are-going-to-arrange-his-marriage-even-though-I-am-in-the-livingroom, but it was also strange in the I-am-celebrating-at-12am-but-it-is-only-5PM-in-New York. But it was fun in the Thank-God-for-the-4-bottles-of-champagne-I-bought and Thank-God-my-boyfriend-is-hot kind of way.
It is safe to say I didn't have a typical holiday season. I ate Mexican food for dinner on Christmas; and celebrated New Year's Eve at 3pm US time for Russia and 5PM US time for Israel. It is a little sad. However, there is one perk. The perk is that I don't have to go through the post-holiday blues. I don't have to be in the states during that awkward time when really awkward things happen. Here is a list of things I am not missing, that many of you are experiencing as we speak.
1. People are going back to work after a long paid vacation. It's weird. Everyone shows up on January 3rd or whatever and sits in their cube or at their desk and just thinks-"FUCK!". Because a small part of them, whether they know it or not, was hoping that things would be different in 2013. Maybe all the sudden their cube would be made of marshmallow, or their boss would be attractive, and they would get a raise for having nice pants. But no, reality sets in; the only thing new is the briefcase you got for Christmas. I know, I have been there. Last year I wished that all the students in my class would become giant sour-patch kids, but nope- they were human students. I know this disappointment.
2. That special moment when you get your first post-holiday dirty look or rude comment. You smile at someone, because you are still on a holiday-high, and they murder your soul with their eyes; and they confirm that the holidays are over. Everyone has stopped caring about charities and/or the good of mankind; and they are back to making everything worse, and creating all these problems in the first place. I don't miss that, and I don't miss knowing that I am a part of that when I soul-murder the homeless man shaking his penny can in my face with my eyes.
3. The guilt of returning or exchanging Christmas gifts. Hopefully, you have the receipt, because if you don't you return it for store price, and everything is 50% off after Christmas. Or, if it is from your parents, you get to do the whole "You know the sweater is really nice, I just think that...you know...with winter almost ending....and, you know, i am not even going to be skiing anymore this season...and..I just...I hate it. Ok? I hate it" thing. Then, you have to go stand in the line at the store along with all the other D-bags that made their mom cry.
4. Taking down the Christmas tree. It is difficult. Too early, you look like a heartless dick. Too late, you look like a tool, and you are just annoying your house guests.
5. How crowded the gym is for the first 2 weeks after new years. And, honestly, I don't know which people are worse- the people that join the gym on January 2nd, or the people that are mad about it. You know the way all the fit people walk past the new-years-resolutioners with their 0%-body-fat chests in the air, and budge you in line for the treadmill- so self-righteous. And I know, because I have been the "I want to lose 12 pounds, and this is my year!" chubbster many times; and I think maybe once in high school I was the already fit skinny one. Wait, no, that was a skinny girl in a movie I watched.
But you are right, I am just grasping at straws, trying to find a way to make missing the holidays less painful. Holidays in America, there is no replacement for you.
Merry Post-Holidays,
LD
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