*Use caution, this lacks humor, yet still has some. But also doesn't. It's all very confusing.*
Charlie is smarter than me. Hands down. He knew more at 15 then I know now. And I don't mean the author, the creator of Charlie's every move/world, is smarter; I mean Charlie. He is real. So..that is clarified.
Charlie's non-fiction autobiography touches on a lot of adolescent problems that, time has told us, are still very much alive for the current generation. I always put a lot of heat on MTV's 16 and Pregnant because it is the perfect scapegoat for those middle school girls getting pregnant together; and then I put the heat on Teen Mom for the number of abortions. MTV can't win with me on the topic of teen pregnancy.
However, it turns out that teens were having abortions way before cell phones and MTV reality shows. I suppose the same things are happening now that were happening then, but kids are just more creative and more you-tubey about it.
My problem, though, is that I didn't have any of those experiences in high school. I didn't do drugs, or drink, or make out with my depressed-lesbian friends, or stay out until 1AM. I hadn't even gone to prom yet. When I read that memoir in high school, I could only relate to 2 things:
1. Someone called Charlie a "teacher's pet". That, I can understand. Kids can be so cruel with you are BFF with your teacher.
2. He said "hi" to someone at their locker, and they walked away from him, ignoring him entirely.
I recently re-read POBAWF and I understood it much better because, now that I am older, I have had some of those experiences. Although, I also haven't had a lot of those experiences, so I am not sure how I feel about that.
But, more importantly, I now understand how Charlie thought. I got the way he looked at the world- sometimes in a depressed way but, in actuality, it only seemed depressed because it got so deep. It wasn't his fault that he had such deep thoughts. I felt like, at 27, I finally understood him; and it was nice to felt understood back..even by the 15 year old version of my future husband (Yes, Charlie and I are getting married).
Sadly, no real human can have a perfect autobiography, and Charlie is no exception. There was something that really bothered me. It bothered me for me, but it also bothered me because I think it sends the wrong message.
When, 10 years later, I got the book in my hands for the second time, I didn't remember much. The only thing I remembered was that something crazy happens at the end. I remember being shocked. And, when I read it again, I was shocked again. And I had a flashback of sitting on the floor of my bedroom, and reading it, and becoming shocked. I remember that I thought the typical shocked things: I thought about how I never saw that coming. Or how awful that is. Or how lucky I am that it never happened to me. When I read it this time, I still felt those things, but my feeling of disappointment was stronger. I was disappointed that, at the end of the day, he had an "excuse" for being the way he was- of course he was always lost and thinking in circles and being too deep- because something bad happened to him. And, in all honestly, the hope that I felt for myself faded away. I found myself relating to the book and his twisted ways of thinking, and now I just feel like maybe there is something ever more wrong with me- because I have no excuse. It's bad enough when you find yourself relating to a 15 year old, let alone finding out that he had a reason for it.
I don't think I am ever going to get past this...No. I'm not. It has been decided..
Unfortunately, despite my earlier claims, I will have to call off The Charlie-LD wedding. I need someone by my side that has crazy, deep, and unpopular thoughts with NO socially acceptable excuse for it. I need someone that, at the end of the day, people just accept that he is who he is; because nothing bad has happened to him, and maybe he should be medicated, but that is neither here nor there. Because he is who he is, and "that's enough". Just like me.
Lost as ever on this wall we call life,
LD
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