Let's Reinvent the Wheel

I don't know if I am the only person that thinks of these things, or if I am just the only person with enough time on their hands to talk about them- maybe a little bit of both. Sometimes, I feel like I am the only person that gets mad at common courtesy rhetoric. Like, if someone emails you, and it is obvious that they want something, it is common courtesy for them to pretend that the "something" isn't the only reason they are writing. Example?

March 15th

Dear Girl who Writes Lemon Drops by the Shot,

First of all, I hope you had a wonderful Holiday season! I know it's been a few months, but are the holidays ever really dead? I don't think so. They live in your heart forever, and Lord knows you have heart! Ick, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up religion. However, now that we are on the topic, I have a small request. If you don't stop using so many semi-colons and commas in your blog than I am going to kill myself; despite the sin of it all. As an English major I can say, with confidence, that you have no idea what the fuck you are doing. I am seriously on the brink, and I doubt you want to be responsible for that.

Well, long live Christmas! And have a great St. Patrick's Day! Let me know how that goes!

Sincerely,
everyone.

Now, does "everyone" think I am stupid? I know that "everyone" didn't want to wish me a happy St. Patrick's Day. In my opinion, "everyone" is a real asshole. And yes, I am assuming that "everyone" is just someone's nick name like "Nothing" in the Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Another common courtesy that I could live without is the list. You know, when people list all the reasons why they want something/all the reasons they are doing something, but really only 1 of those reasons is important, and they are just trying to be polite? Ironically, the important reason is usually the last one and the least important/completely made up reason is the first. Example? I will give you two (one of them is made up, and one is real. See if you can guess).

Example 1:

Dear Laura,
There are a few reasons I am writing you today, all of which are very important to me. I have so much to say, that I feel a casual list is the only way to make sure it all gets said, so please forgive my informality.

1. How are you?! I feel that you have been working so much that I haven't seen you! How are things at work? And how is your bedroom? Have you cleaned that lately?

2. I was hoping that on Tuesday of this week you would like to come downstairs for dinner. I am going to make Pot Roast. Yum Yum!

3. You are 27, it's time to move out. You have 2 weeks.


See you Tuesday!

Love,
Your Mom.


Example 2:
Dear ____
I know I have been negligent in demanding your weekly reports, but now I am requesting that you send me an update for three important reasons.
1. I would like to know what you have been going in the last few weeks.
2. It will help me prepare for my next visit.
3. I need to report to ______.

Sincerely,
_____

Hmmm...I get the feeling the only REAL reason we need to start our weekly reports is because someone needs to report to someone else, and that someone has nothing because they are too busy putting us on the back burner. How do I know this? I had to reread this REAL email, that was sent to 20+ people, to fix the spelling mistakes. Call me crazy.


My final buzz kill in courtesy is similar to the list. I like to call it the "first of all" approach. Now, this is particularly annoying because it is often done face to face, and I think it is used to lessen the blow of bad news, or to calm down a crazy person. Example? I will give you 4.

Example 1:
Person A: Why are you breaking up with me?!
Person B: Well, first of all, I got a new job, and it is really far from here. I just don't see how the distance is going to work. Secondly, I don't like you, and I met someone else.

Example 2:
Wife: Honey, why are you going to the hospital?
Husband: Well, first of all, I really prefer the food there over your cooking. But, also, I am having heart surgery.

Example 3:
Boss: __, can you step into my office?
employee: Sure, what's going on?
Boss: Well, first of all, how are you? Haven't talked to you in awhile. How's the new baby?
employee: Uhmm...ya, she is good, ya. What can I do for you?
Boss: Ok, great. Secondly, I have to let you go.


Example 4:
Chinese shoe repair guy: I no fix shoe.
Me: What? Why?
Chinese shoe repair guy: Well, First all, we no have glue.
Me: What? Why would you use glue? This isn't arts and crafts. And why wouldn't you have any?
Chinese shoe repair guy: NO GLUE! Also, you break shoe in toilet. Too stupid for high heel.

....

ALL of these conversations happen to people everyday, all around the world. Some people are fighting poverty, hunger, racism, and obesity; but let's fight the real problems. Together, we can fix this. No more wasting people's time stepping on eggshells or beating around the bush. The next time you want something, just say it. No more "Hey, how are ya? Can I get the big mac?" No. I don't care how the fuck you are, give me a Big Mac you total stranger.

Let's stand together,
LD