Dear Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

I fucking hate you. I think that, in this world full of confusing grey, at least that is black and white. My hatred for you is clear. Truthfully, I never really cared for you. You were always annoying and petty. The concerns you wasted my time with were trivial at best- "Did someone move the garbage can in the basement a quarter inch?"...Maybe yes, maybe no, Lady. Zero cares are happening over here on my end.

In the past, every time I ran into you, I watched 5-10 minutes of my life flush down the toilet; as I stood there and politely nodded as you droned on and on about trash cans and doors and washing machines. I hated those encounters so much, yet I tolerated them, because I am only terrible on the inside. You, however, can't really say the same. You had to go ruin your good head-nodding thing when you decided to collect all the bags of dog poop from the basement trash can and hang them on our front door.

In your defense, yes, I did receive your previous email complaint about the trash "smelling bad", but I didn't care. Because you really shouldn't be sitting around smelling the trash. So, I suppose your next line of defense was to illegally hang shit on our door. This was months ago, and I still can't figure out how you expected that to work out. Did you think that act would seem reasonable to me? Because it did NOT.

Ever since that day, you have been insanely unpleasant. Purposefully bullying my dog and trying to entice him in some way. You follow him around the basement and then get scared when he turns around to look at you. Like an idiot.

I have a few theories as to why this is.

1. You repel my dog because you are allergic to cute.

2. You repel my dog because you are allergic to joy.

3. You are, literally, a witch. 

I have to put my money on 3. You look and sound exactly as I believe a witch to look and sound like. You ride around on your fucking weirdo bicycle with a basket in the front, which is totally fine for normal people, but for some reason you look like something out of The Wizard of Oz..in a bad way. And, this is just an assumption, but do you eat children? Because I think you might make stews with children.

I am not asking for you to never talk to me again; all I am saying is that I would rather my computer spontaneously combust to save me from ever having to read another one of your emails.

Lastly, it is insane to me how much I identify you with the below picture. You look so much like this, it simply blows my mind.


Ok. Byeeeeeeee

LD