My fiancé has recently cut me off from Bridezillas; although I am not 100% on board with this decision, I have already gone through every episode available on Netflix, so the joke is on him. If you are wondering how I watched 40+ episodes of Bridezillas in a month, I can tell you that it wasn't done without causalities; my sense of responsibility, my adulthood, and my over all production level took a huge hit. And I never felt good about it after, either. Kind of a like the day after a long bender. When I finally turned off the TV I felt completely empty and emotionally exhausted. This was also around the same time that Marco would get home from a day of actually being a grown up, and he would find me on the couch- completely dead inside.
He would ask: "What did you do today?". In which I would respond to by breaking down in tears because I hadn't done anything; and every time he finds out how useless I am, I get scared he is going to leave me for someone that is actually good at being alive. So, as I am sobbing uncontrollably, I say "Please don't leave me for a real adult", and then he has to spend the next hour making me feel better. This has been going on for awhile.
So, after a couple days (weeks) of that, I believe his exact words were "I will be home in 3 hours, no Bridezillas"; and the day before, when I asked him if he thought I watched too much TV, he responded with a very rapid "yes"...uncomfortably rapid...as if he had been holding that in for a long time.
Now, I have put A LOT of energy and thought into my explanation and reasoning; and I finally came up with something good enough to take 90% of the guilt off my shoulders. I would like to now share with you the inner-monologue I have with myself every time I realize how awful I am. The following is how I sleep at night..
"Self, you have been working REALLY hard on this wedding. Confetti diamonds aren't going to order themselves! Rehearsal dinners don't get planned out of thin air! How could you have answered those 2 important emails if you had been at work? That's right, you would have had to wait to answer them. Imagine?! On top of that, this dog can't take care of itself. What are you going to do? Let him sit at home while you go to work, like all the other billions of dog owners that have perfectly happy dogs? No way! You definitely need to coddle this dog like it's a special needs child. Not to mention the house! I know you hardly ever clean it..but you SOMETIMES clean it. And that sometimes would go down to no times real quick if you worked normal hours. And cooking! You NEVER cook, and when you do it is usually terrible, and actually Marco cooks everything..but you eat it. And you do a REALLY good job eating all that food.
Look, right now, the stress of answering emails, sometimes cleaning, walking the dog, and eating all that food is just too much for you. A lot of brides take time off to plan their wedding...but most don't, because they are realistic. But you AREN'T even close to realistic, that is one of the things Marco loves about you, remember? He calls your complete disregard for responsibility "free spirited". Plus, you want to be a writer, and watching every episode of Bridezillas really helps with that...in a way that will be determined at a a later date.
And if this doesn't help make you feel better, maybe this will: you are a bride-to-be. You need to watch every bride TV show and movie, and relate to them in a way that you will never experience again. It is like watching every Christmas movie in the month of December. It's really great, but the more you can connect to the movies, the better. Living in China, away from Christmas, didn't make those movies as fun. On the other hand, remember your 5th (12th) winter when you claimed to be a snowman? Remember how much you enjoyed watching Frosty in a constant loop? A LOT! You really immersed yourself, and I'm sure you regret nothing from that experience. And you were only pretending to be a snowman in order to irrigate everyone! Now you are a REAL bride snowman, and you gotta milk that.
What I am saying is, you are awesome. Keep up the good work"
Time to watch Made of Honor,
LD
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