I have recently started selling jewelry for a company. I became a merchandiser- which, believe it or not, is the used-car-salesman of the internet. A lot of people look down on it, ignore it, view it as a scheme. However, that is better than the alternative occupational comparison- which is pimp. A pimp whoring out their friends and family for an extra buck.
I guess I started for the same reasons used-car salesmen, and pimps alike, do it- I wanted an employee discount. I knew a friend in the business. I was looking for a creative way to get 50% of my social media network to "unfollow" me (or straight up unfriend me). The list goes on.
If you talk to a pimp in prison (I have talked to many) they will tell you that, despite everything, they actually liked their job. And I have to truthfully say the same. I like selling the jewelry. I like hosting/doing jewelry parties. I even like working every other Saturday or Sunday to be at said parties. However, and there is a big however, I DON'T like the feeling I give myself when I advertise on my social media accounts. It makes me feel dirty. Last month I worked really hard and posted A LOT on social media, and I now get the crazy suspicion that everyone I have ever loved has secretly stopped following me. An unfollow says "I still like you, but fuck! You are annoying". I'm pretty sure that is where I stand. Even my husband won't like my Instagram photos anymore. He claims that when he does, his "search" page is loaded with jewelry pics; which upsets him for this disturbing reason- he uses Instagram to look at other guys' bodies for fitness purposes. Sorry, husband, that my jewelry interrupted your homoerotic fitness hobby.
For this reason, it becomes hard to advertise, but even harder to be normal. I'm sure every time a pimp talks to a woman on his day off, he has to be clear that he isn't trying to recruit her for paid sex. He has to let her know he has the day off, and he is just looking for an STD-ridden good time. No prostitution strings attached. I now feel like that every time I want to post a funny comment or a dog picture. I have to preface it with the disclaimer- "I swear I'm not trying to sell you jewelry" in order to get anyone to look at it. To get any friends/family to even consider my Instagram, I have to hashtag #notaboutjewelry "Iswear #pleasestillbemyfriend #ahhhhhhhhh. The subject of a personal emails has to be "Actually important, please don't delete" to get someone to read it.
I'm even driving myself insane. My entire computer is full of jewelry pictures to "use at a later date". I am not ever going to use those! I don't even remember downloading them to my desktop, I basically blackout when I do it. I have 8 different ads entitled "getting ready for prom" and I literally only know 2 teenagers. I have 12 bridal ads and I know ZERO up-coming brides. I have pictures including cats....CATS!
The solution seems like a no-brainer: stop posting about your company on social media, idiot! Unfortunately, I'm addicted to it, so it isn't that easy...so suck on that.
I wish I could just "stop", but I am following multiple company pages that post really cute pictures and I don't understand what I am supposed to do with that. Should I NOT repost them? Of course I do, I am not a monster. What if this annoying post is the final post that means something to someone? WHAT.IF??
So, here I am, stuck between a pimp and a hard place. I wrote this particular post for 3 reasons.
1. I am way better at blogging than selling jewelry...which says what it says, and means what it means.
2. I finally finished the latest season of Drop Dead Diva available on Netflix, and can no longer binge watch it (not a huge fan of the new Grayson, if anyone cares).
3. I get it. I seriously fucking get it. This is turning me into the worst possible human. It's like when an alcoholic or drug addict understands why all their friends disappear, but still can't stop. It's like when you have a child, and all your single friends hate it, but you just keep having more children. It's like watching the last season of the Jersey Shore, just hoping for something, anything, good to happen.
So this is my life now. A jewelry pimp. The worst kind of human.
#ahhhhhhhhh,
LD
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