American holidays are crazy.

I love the holidays. That's newsworthy, right? Another American that loves eating, not working, hanging out with friends and family, and getting new things. As much as I love them, especially the getting new things part, I have somehow managed to grow a conscience. And, much like my destain for shows such as "Mob Wives", I hate my new conscience without knowing very much about it. I don't care how old she is, or where she came from, all I know is that she is a life ruiner. Some examples of the misery she brings on me? I now enjoy giving gifts over receiving them. uhmm, don't fuck with me, conscience, i love things; don't try to change that. But that isn't nearly as bad as the empathy I now have towards the unfortunate victims of American tradition.

Let's start with Thanksgiving. I used to be all about Thanksgiving and eating an entire turkey. Now, I am still all about Thanksgiving, with the smallest dewdrop of guilt. This year, I had to ask myself, "Why do we think it's OK to kill a 98384 billion turkey's for this day?" (side note: 98384 billion is a very specific, very made up, much too large number that I created). The pilgrims didn't eat turkey, and if they did, it was probably only the one that they shot themselves. Now, I am no vegan. You will not see me protesting eating meat; or protesting anything at all, ever (I can't do things that bite into my time to self-obsess); however, I must admit, killing such a huge number of turkey's seems excessive. I decided to do some research for this blog, well, as much as I could…let me rephrase. I decided to go to one website to skim a short blurb about this topic. The website's name was something outrageously stupid like "Wonderopolis". Seems trustworthy? Well, It had a .org at the end of it, so you tell me.

Either way, according to the infinite wisdom of the .org, no one really knows where the tradition of massacring turkey's came from. There are theories but, who cares? I have a million theories about a million things. No one cares. Interestingly enough though, Benjamin Franklin wanted to name the turkey the national bird, instead of the bald eagle. Could you image that? A world where killing turkeys was a federal offense? And everyone ate bald eagles for Thanksgiving? Seems pretty rough, right? Killing 98384 billion bald eagles so everyone in America could eat the same thing every fourth Thursday of November? Not an amazing idea. And I know you are thinking "but bald eagles are endangered, that's totally different." Fine, they are. You're right. Good job knowing basic common facts. So let's use something else that was incredibly available at the time of the first Thanksgiving, and is still available now. Dogs? Horses? Human beings? Only an insane person would suggest eating 98384 billion human beings or horses on one day. I think you get my point, I will leave the dogs out of this. They have done nothing but bring joy into my life.

Unfortunately, Christmas is NOT that different. Let's talk about the decision for a majority of people in America to buy a fucking tree and put it in their house. A TREE. According to information that I googled just now, a pine tree takes 7 years to start showing any real size as it grows. Like a human. A pine tree can also live anywhere from 3 decades to 100's of years. Yet, America has decided to knock them down and keep them in our houses for 3 decades…if decades are weeks. Worst part? We take away all their tree dignity. We dress them up in silly costumes, run electricity around them, put frilly boxes under them. They don't even get to look like trees at the end of their lives. And then? We throw them out. Without even a thought. well, massive tree, it's been real, goodbye forever. And those are the lucky ones! Some tree-slaves never even get bought, and they are left to rot. Turns out, there is an actual history behind the origin of the Christmas tree on History.com; but it was a really long article and the font was small…so, I don't have that information. (Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself "how much do I really care about this?" before jumping into an entire article that could take anywhere from 10-15 minutes of your Sunday).

All I am saying is, as a non-vegan, non-activist, non-enviromentalist, non-anything, these traditions are insane. And I'm just a bystander, imagine how the vegans, activists, and environmentalists feel. I'm just a girl with a stupid bitch of a conscience that is strong enough to annoy me but not powerful enough to stop me (proven by the turkey I ate and the adorable, dignity stolen tree standing 2 feet away from me).

Also, I'm not religious, but as far as I know, the Jews don't massacre anything but candle wax and dreidel wood. Just something to consider.

But let's be real, Christmas hasn't had anything to do with religion in a really long time. So, I redact my previous statement. I redact it enough for it to annoy me, but not enough to make me delete it. Whore conscience.

Happy Tree Hunger Games..I mean, Holidays,

LD