Sometimes,
you wake up in the morning, and you just quit your job. I realize
that not everyone is as negligent and irresponsible as me, so maybe
you don't know what I am talking about. However, the other morning I
woke up, 2 days before I was supposed to go back to work, and I
realized something: I would rather get a sex change, just to put my
penis inside a beehive, than go back to that place. I would rather be
8 months pregnant at all times, than go back. I don't know how
else to describe it. I don't know how to make it sound like a good or
decent thing to do. I don't know how to make it seem validated.
I
haven't necessarily figured out if it is the teaching English that
I'm sick of, or if the school was just a bad fit for me. But that
epic morning, I woke up with a quote I had once heard ringing in my
ears: "If you don't like what you do, you have no one to blame
but yourself". And, as I laid there, I became obnoxiously aware
of the fact that I didn't like my job at all...but I obviously wasn't
going to blame myself. I began to rack my brain for all the other
people or circumstances that could have been at fault for my
unhappiness.
The
time I spent in the classroom was fine. I liked the students. People that come to Boston to study ESL are usually on vacation or
just really rich, which are situations I can easily deal with. However, I didn't like the school. They made me do
a lot of stuff, and I don't need to elaborate any more than that;
because anyone that knows me, knows that doing a lot of stuff and me
don't get along super well. For starters, they wanted my lesson plans
BEFORE the week started- sorry, school, I am not a fucking mind
reader. I don't know how the classes are going to go. They also had
someone above me re-grading my students' tests after I had graded them, as
if I wasn't responsible enough to judge my own students'
progress...To be fair, I wasn't that good at it, and I usually tried
to pass everyone. I tried exceptionally hard to pass the students I
didn't like, so they would get out of my face. Despite all this, I
really didn't appreciate not being given the benefit of the doubt.
And, just to create a perfect storm of despair, I also hated the
books. They were the worst thing to ever happen to education. This
caused me to have to create my own material, which made me have to do
more things! I didn't want to do unnecessary things! What was so hard
to understand about that? Did I need to get it tattooed on my
forehead? Did it need to be at the top of my resume in big bold
letters?
To
top it all off, my coworkers seemed to constantly forget that they weren't
professors at Harvard. I mean, it is a really good private
ESL school, but it is a private ESL school. These types of
schools are the equivalent to extra curricular activities.
The students pay a ton of money to come to the school, everyone
is accepted, and they offer nothing in terms of credits. But,
for some reason or another, my coworkers always seemed to think
otherwise. So, while I was sitting in the teacher's room,
unnecessary thing doing, I had to have a bunch of co-teachers in the
background talking about "how to accurately grade a student's
writing progress" and "things, things, things". I
hated them. It's as if they liked being there every day. I kept to
myself as much as humanly possible. Sometimes, another teacher would
accidentally think I was friendly, but it was short lived. Every once
in a while, I would try to make a friend, but once they started
talking I knew it wasn't going to work out, because I had ZERO opinion on the school, the curriculum, or their personal lives.
Despite everything, quitting my job was pretty
risky business. I still don't know exactly what will happen to me now. However,
when I woke up that morning, I couldn't bear the thought of
continuing to not follow my dreams. And as my student loans and phone
bill fly at me, I feel the pressure of conforming again, but I can't.
I have spent over 5 years having the same dream and not accomplishing
any of it. That is crazy, right?
Even
with all signs pointing to "get out now", I wasn't
completely confident in my choice until yesterday; when I went to
collect my last paycheck. Stepping into the teachers room,
overhearing all of the nonsense, I knew I did the right thing. It was
a feeling stronger than anything I had felt in a long time. I hadn't
hated a job that much since I first graduated college and got an
entry level cold-calling marketing job in hell.
So,
I am going to allow this to play its course. I am going to allow
myself to live minimally, until I start getting to where I want to
go. My inability to buy boots until I achieve something should be a
strong motivator. There are some downsides to this, though.
Naturally, once I realize my dog and I have the same day to day
routine, I will begin to feel depressed. And sure, when I can't
afford to leave the house it will be hard. And Yes, I am going to
feel like a failure when I am walking in the park and my only company
is homeless drunks and college students. But getting to know homeless
drunk people, who have given up on their lives, is all part of
achieving your dreams. Anyone will tell you that.
And
don't go feeling bad for me, just because I have spent the last 3
days alone with my dog. I have socialized. Today I went to the
supermarket and overheard 2 adults on welfare arguing. That was fun.
This morning, at the gym, I saw a guy that shared a .01% likeness to
Peeta from the Hunger Games, and I told him. He didn't respond, but
it counts. And, not just an hour ago, while I was returning cans, a
drunk old man hit on me. So things are looking up.
But
anything can happen, right? A presumably wise person wrote the movie
quote "Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time".
And right now, the anything that is happening is that I quit my
fucking job.
Yours,
LD
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