This is all fine and dandy at first, because you love talking about yourself. However, as your big day approaches, the questions/advice will make you more and more angry; because you will become increasingly insecure with your choices. Soon, their innocent suggestions start to sound, to you, like incredibly offensive racial slurs. Questions that you, at first, answered with a:
"Of course we are going to have something for everyone's dietary preference" *insert very big smile because you love talking about your wedding, and you are happy someone brought it up; because you usually just sit around and wait for people to bring it up, so you can talk about it without being the annoying bride that always brings it up*
Months later, that same question gets this: "What the fuck are you trying to say? That I am stupid? That I am selfish? That I don't think of others? I obviously thought of that, despite how little you clearly think of me!"
And "This will be the best day of your life", goes from: "Oh My God, I know! I am so excited!" *insert sly smile because obviously everyone is jealous of you*
To: "Are you fucking kidding me?! Don't you think I'm under enough plessure as it is? I just found out that the caterer doesn't have the right shade of ivory- so I guess 'the best day of my life' isn't going to have the correct shade of ivory- huh?!? I guess I'm just DOOMED to never have the correct shade of ivory; because here, on 'the best day of my life', I can't even have it. I guess I am just not the type of person that deserve accurate ivory shades"
If you think the above overreaction to ivory would never happen, you can find peace of mind in the fact that this was actually said. By me. While yelling at a computer screen.
Here are some other common, innocent tidbits of "advice" that are eventually taken horribly wrong:
"It goes by so fast" - umm that isn't really advice at all. Advice is "it goes by so fast, you should go buy one of those time freezing machines. They are a little expensive but totally worth it. We bought one, and our reception lasted 2 months". That is great advice. What you are saying isn't advice, it's just telling me a bad thing. If you asked me for my advice on seeing a particular movie, and I said "it goes by fast" - would you consider that helpful? Would that help you? No. It would not.
"Make sure you eat your cake"- Bitch, please. I will do what I want. Don't sit there, all calm, and pressure me to eat cake. It's rude. Everyone knows I'm on a diet right now. I haven't even seen the ingredients for a cake in over 2 months, because I avoid that section of the grocery store; and then cry myself to sleep every night because I am so deprived of carbs and sugar. So...fuck off.
"stay glued to your husband because guests will tear you apart"- Uhmm, what? Are my friends and family going to turn into wild zombie pack animals? Is this the Hunger Games? Is my reception the arena? What the hell are you talking about?
"It's the best day of your life, enjoy it"- Shut up. Don't tell me that the best day of my life is rapidly approaching and will soon be over. That isn't something you can tell a person like me. It doesn't feel good. Would you appreciate it if I said "Enjoy today, because tomorrow your life is going to go downhill"? Would you appreciate that?
The list of terrible pre-wedding interactions goes on, and eventually you start to lose faith in everyone and everything. However, at the last minute, some people finally pull it together and bring the really good advice. The day of my wedding, an old friend texted me and said "You can drink at your own wedding". This was really helpful. Especially when, after the ceremony and the first dance, I was in such a panic that I couldn't even stay in my wedding gown without feeling like I was suffocating. The only thing that helped was the glass of wine I stole and chugged off my friend's table.
I have spent the last week looking back on all the wedding events that transpired; and all the things I loved and regretted. Everyone has certain expectations about their wedding day; I assume a lot of it comes from the wedding industry and Barbie movies. Whatever the influence may be, when I started to plan my wedding, my priorities took a complete 180. For example, and this is only the smallest example, I spent about $600 on centerpieces alone- small details that no one remembers or cares about drained my bank account. And now the only person left thinking about it is me, and that is only because I can't afford food. So I hope I really enjoy looking at that glittery fish bowl vase, with white feathers in it, sitting on my bedside table, along with that pearl/diamond picture frame with our table number; because I can't buy new fall boots because of them. And as I look down at my sad bootless feet, I realize that all our guests would have been just as happy with solely food and an open bar- and I have known that my whole life. But, when I started wedding planning, I was completely taken over by a show-off monster that just HAD to have our arch wrapped in 50 dollars worth of tulle and I HAD to have a Photo Booth and an amazing DJ; and yes, OF COURSE, I needed 9 cakes. OBVIOUSLY it was imperative to have the best lingerie and wedding dress undergarments. And Where would I have been without a designer wristlet for my lipstick? And what good would that wristlet have been if my lipstick weren't designer as well? Naturally, it was a GIVEN that our invitations needed to be top of the line- and yes, they NEEDED those "Laura and Marco" sashes wrapped around their already extravagant bodies, and DUH I needed to use the raised gold font that cost extra. I KNOW everyone kept those...$500 LITERALLY thrown in the garbage by 90% of our guests; and for those that didn't throw it away yet, what are you waiting for? It's now or the next time you go on a cleaning spree, what difference does it make?
Even with the outrageous generosity of our families, I still spent thousands of my own money on this day. And then, when the day finally arrived, I completely cracked under the pressure that I put on myself, and things happened.
Let's use the above photo for starters...take a moment to allow exactly what is happening in the photo to sink in...This is me. On my wedding night. At 1AM. Licking leftover whipped cream off a plate that once held chocolate covered strawberries. And that is not part of my hair piece that you see, that is a feather that I took from a centerpiece. Maybe you are thinking "ooooh whipped cream, sexy! Feathers, sexy!"..and I have to ask you- does that look sexy to you? I mean, bless your heart, honestly, for giving me the benefit of the doubt; but...come on.
Here is the backstory: After the wedding was over, and everyone went to the bar for an after party, I decided to get hammered. I was only a little drunk during the wedding reception- which everyone will agree with, because I was the bride, and that is what I say happened. Clearly..I was only a little drunk, those are the facts. And some people may say "No, the bride was really drunk, she got down on the dance floor and 'did the worm'; and, by that, I mean she hoisted herself up by her arms and then fell onto the floor in the exact same spot 3 times'"- and to that blabbermouth guest I will say this- I do that ALL THE TIME. As a matter of fact, I might just do it right now. So, suck it.
At the bar, I spent the remainder of my evening trying to sweet-talk every staff member into getting me food, but to no avail. Then, at some unspecified time, someone must have gotten sick of my attempts, and pushed me off onto my sister in-law. I ended up in my new husband's younger sister's hotel room eating all of her left over french fries. Without my new husband. Eventually, it registered with me that I was being a terrible bride; and that I should be with my groom, not eating drunk food like a belligerent college student. Only after I finished the fries did I go back to our room. I am only human.
When I reached our room, I was thrilled to see a bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. I understood what their purpose was, but I didn't care. In that moment, I didn't see gourmet, special occasion treats- I saw drunk food. Part of me wished it had been chicken wings under that metal lid. I walked in the door, sat on the bed, and went to town. I didn't get dressed up in that expensive lingerie and feed strawberries to my new husband. I ended up wearing that expensive centerpieces in my hair, and it took me 2 seconds to wipe off all that expensive make up- which is a lie, because I actually slept in it.
After all was said and done, if I could give advice to future brides, REAL advice, I would say this:
Stop...Just stop. Stop thinking about colors, centerpieces, flowers, jewelry- no one cares. The only thing you should care about is the dress and then maybe your future husband. I'm sorry if that hurts your little bride feelings, but I am saving you thousands of dollars. No one cares and you shouldn't care either. This day doesn't define you, so don't clear out your bank account trying to be amazing. Everyone going to your wedding better damn well already think you are amazing. Stop trying to impress people and just get them drunk instead. Give everyone great food and an open bar, and then get wasted too; because all your friends and family are there with you, along with your new husband, and that makes it the best party of all time. Also, don't get 9 cakes- it's kind of a lot. And be nice to the people giving you advice- it's not their fault you hate everyone.
That is what advice looks like.
You're welcome, future brides of America. YOU. ARE. WELCOME.
Yours,
LD
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